A Reflection for The New Year

As we begin a new year, I pause to reflect back on all that has come before: all of the trials and tribulations, the beautiful and painful moments, all of the invaluable lessons learned. And I realize how far I have come, how much every experience, every moment has contributed to a beautiful transformation that has made me the strong, vibrant, and happy woman that I am today. And I am grateful.

After living through the darkest years of my life, I came to fully understand the valuable piece of knowledge that through our thoughts and our feelings, we create much of our own reality. Armed with that knowledge, I made a conscious choice to turn my life around, and in turn throughout 2011 and 2012, I have experienced and LIVED the happiest, most joy-filled, abundant, expansive years of my life. Now that I have integrated very conscious practices into my everyday life, as a way of life, rather than something fleeting, I know that I hold the power to make 2013 and beyond equally as potent, magical, and blissful.

Here’s to a lifetime of continued abundance and happiness. ♥

Photo by Flickr user Chema Escarcega.

Read Full Post »

Happiness Starts on the Inside

We are so fortunate to live in a time of such amazing technological advances, a time when social media can connect us to our fellow brothers and sisters on the other side of the globe. For me personally, Facebook has largely been a gift. I have reconnected with old friends, I have discovered new ones, and I have uncovered priceless opportunities waiting around every turn…and all because we are connected.

But while Facebook has proven itself to offer many wonderful benefits, there are also of course some negative attributes. One is the “instant gratification” factor; the fact that we can vent, moan or complain about our woes in an instant, at just the touch of a button.

There are times when we all need to vent, and I’m sure we’ve all posted our fair share of complaints onto our status updates. (Believe me, for me it only takes encountering a bad driver!) But where this instant communication effect can be negative, and in fact harmful to ourselves, is when it is abused to the point where people are incessantly complaining about their lives, airing their dirty laundry, or dwelling on their woes, publicly. I have seen a sad number of people posting about how dreadful their lives are, about all of the bad things that they perceive to be happening to them, and blaming the world for their problems. I have seen so many people desperately seeking happiness outside of themselves, in external factors.

I’m sure you’ve all seen this and many of us have probably been guilty of it at one time of another: we post a scathing comment about the evil ex-boyfriend who broke our heart, we hold our boss accountable for making our lives miserable, we blame the betrayal of a friend for ruining our lives. You name it. If you’ve been on Facebook for any decent amount of time, I’m sure you’ve seen these kinds of comments and many, many more where those came from. And I’m sure you’ve also seen the comments where people post what they need to be happy: “If only the right guy would come along, I will then be truly happy,” “When I get my dream job, then my life will be perfect,” “If only I could have a baby, then I will feel fulfilled.”

Here’s the thing: All of those statements are tragically flawed. When we blame someone or something outside of ourselves for our problems, it is a mistake because we are giving someone else power over ourselves and we are refusing to take responsibility for our own lives and our own choices. And when we state that we need x, y or z in order to be happy, we are refusing to live in the present, we are refusing to look inside of ourselves and realize that true happiness resides only there, within us. Happiness will never come from outside of us.

I do not care if you find the dream job, if you make millions of dollars and if you find the dreamiest guy (or girl) that ever walked the Earth; if you are not truly happy within yourself, those external factors will never truly make you happy. And not only will they not bring you happiness, but until you do the necessary inner work within you, all that “appears” to be good in your life, will eventually itself disappear or fall into ruin.

Our internal state entirely affects our external state. If we are unhappy, afraid of being alone, terrified of life, riddled with guilt or hating ourselves on the inside, then our outside life is always going to reflect that. Always, without exception. You see, we attract back what we put out. And if we are unhappy on the inside, then we are putting out negative vibes on the outside, regardless of how much we might try to put on a happy face or a false front. We cannot trick the Universe.

If you yourself are in a negative place, and if you continue to blame the world for your problems, you will continue to attract more negativity into your life. And you will continue to be unhappy. And as long as you continue to desperately seek happiness in external factors, it will continue to elude you. This I state to you as Universal truth.

To change the world around us, we must first change the world within us. We must face our demons. We must resolve the unresolved pain, anger, and fear that dwell in the darkness deep inside of us. We must face loneliness. And not only must we face it, but we must walk through it, however painful, and truly conquer it. We must take responsibility for our own feelings, our own actions and especially our own mistakes. We must see where we went wrong, learn the valuable lesson from it, and make the necessary mid-course correction to ensure that we don’t repeat the same mistake, over and over. We must admit our flaws to ourselves, uncover what we need to work on in ourselves, and truly commit to working on it and improving ourselves as human beings.

And most importantly we must learn to change our thoughts. In the same way that our muscles have “muscle memory” and we can condition our physical bodies, we can do the same with our brains and our mental/emotional bodies. We all have periods in our lives where we feel unhappy or even dreadfully depressed and miserable. And during those times it can feel impossible to change anything. I have lived many of those moments. But the truth is that we hold 100% of the power within us to do just that.

When we can force ourselves to focus on the positive in our lives, to find one simple thing for which we are grateful in any given moment, we have the power to create powerful magnetic shifts in our lives. All it takes is one tiny positive thought, and as we can continue to make the effort to focus on such positive thoughts, it becomes easier and easier and they become more and more magnetic until suddenly we begin to see subtle and then eventually dramatic shifts in our lives.

So when you are scrolling through your Facebook status updates and you see a friend expressing negativity and blaming the world for their problems, make the choice to not enable them. Instead of encouraging them to further steep in their negativity and create a downward spiral,  instead take the time to remind them of what they have to be grateful for. Post something positive and encouraging. Challenge them to focus on the positive instead of dwelling on the negative.

And when you find yourself on the verge of posting a negative status update, pause for a moment and ask yourself the following: Are you about to blame the world or something outside of yourself for your problems? Are you about to vent negativity which really serves no positive purpose? If so, then use that opportunity to create an internal shift. In that moment think of something positive that happened to you that day: think of the dog wagging its tail, think of the smile of your child, think of the sweet taste of the chocolate that melted in your mouth. Think about something for which you are grateful, even if only one small thing. And instead of posting the negative comment, choose to post a positive one. And always remember that happiness is never outside of you, it is only within you. You hold the power in your hands.

Read Full Post »

Embrace the Journey

Over recent weeks, I’ve had the pleasure of visiting with several different friends from out of town, all friends who came from different cities and from previous lives of mine. Not only was it wonderful to catch up with these old friends and reminisce about times gone by, but it was a compelling opportunity to look back on my journey, to see all of the dots that have connected, and to reflect on all of the wonderful souls who have touched and shaped my path along this winding road of life.

Boston, MA

The first of these friends, Simone, was visiting from my home city of Boston. We began working together when I was a mere 23 years old, fairly fresh out of college and wet behind the ears. Looking back on that young age, now 14 years later, it is hard to even recognize the person that I once was. I was just barely beginning my journey into adulthood and I had so much to learn, and so many tough lessons that were still ahead of me. In my wildest imagination (or nightmares!), I could not have conceived of what was yet to come. I was, however, fortunate enough to land the job of a lifetime. For several years we organized student tours abroad and got to reap the benefit of traveling to exciting, foreign lands. This was a professional life filled with wonderful friends, laughter, hilarious travel stories and adventures and simply joyful and rewarding times. These were the days of our lives.

Fast forward five years and I would find myself a new resident of the nation’s capital, Washington, DC, and a newly enrolled graduate student. Having left behind a broken heart and dark clouds in Boston, I was starting over in a new life, preparing to embark on a career of international diplomacy and peace-keeping. However, a semester of confusion, dissatisfaction and feeling like a fish out of water, would eventually lead to my leaving graduate school and landing serendipitously in a job working for an International Human Rights organization. This is where I would meet Lauren, the second visitor to San Francisco in recent weeks.

Washington, DC

Lauren and I would become part of what I coined the “The Sex and the City” foursome of ladies who would get together regularly for dinner and girl talk. These friends were the rocks that kept me grounded during my four years in Washington. Lauren would witness me evolve into my first management role in the .com world, she would see me grapple with the stresses of a high-pressure, long-hour career, and she would see me struggle through a confusing yet painfully beautiful long-distance “relationship,” a relationship which would eventually leave me completely shattered, turned inside out and gasping for air. About to embark on what would turn out to be my “dark night of the soul,” Lauren would be part of the good group of friends that would send me off on my forever-destined journey to the west coast, leaving behind my east coast life and friends, leaving behind a part of myself.

The journey west would take me to Los Angeles, a city that would unwittingly become home to the deepest depression, the most gripping pain and the most intense struggle of my life. But simultaneously, and somewhat ironically, it would become the most bewitching and magical place I have ever lived, deeply connecting with the fibers of my spirit. Filling me up with her bittersweet nectar, Los Angeles would eventually become the gateway to a profound spiritual awakening, a complete transformation and a brand new Jeannie, alchemized by the fire of life.

Magical Los Angeles

Enter Garrett. A childhood friend of the family, Garrett had known me since I was a young girl and he had seen me grow into a woman. He had known me through various lives and several different versions of myself. Upon my arrival in Los Angeles, he was one of the only people I knew and was often the only shoulder to cry on during a very dark time. Garrett was witness to the darkest years of my life, the most profound turmoil through which I have walked, and for this I am grateful.

I am grateful because today when I met Garrett and his girlfriend for coffee in downtown San Francisco, while they were visiting from Los Angeles, I was able to shine brightly and tell Garrett how happy I am, how much joy, wonder and magic I experience on a daily basis. Had Garrett not been there to witness my lowest point, I’m not sure anyone would truly know how extraordinary and powerful my transformation has been, and how grateful I am for all of the trials and tribulations that have led me to this place.

As I look back on these friends, and the many others who have laughed with me, cried with me, fought with me and walked alongside me, I am deeply touched by the indelible marks that each one has left on my soul. It is often said that we should not look back to the past, but I profoundly disagree. There is so much grace and beauty in putting the pieces together and making sense of how the journey unfolded. Some of the most important lessons, and even revelations, of our lives come from time reflecting back on our previous journeys. It is all a beautiful, and necessary, part of our evolution.

It is true that however we might plan and plot, in large part we have no idea where are journeys will take us next, or where each path will lead; but what I am sure of is that there will be beautiful souls along the way, souls who will come into our lives to help us along our journey. There will be souls who help us, souls who hurt us, and there will be souls who crack us wide open, but each one of these souls has a purpose and a powerful lesson to teach us. And as we walk along our path, however much it twists and turns, and however dark, scary and painful it may become at times… we should embrace the journey.

Read Full Post »

The Tremor of Change

I was sitting on my futon writing when suddenly I heard a creaking in the walls. Assuming it was the usual bus driving down the street, I thought nothing of it. Seconds later, my two kitties came flying erratically into the living room and suddenly the entire room began to shake. We were having an earthquake. My legs involuntarily turned to jello.

I live in San Francisco, so I am no stranger to earthquakes. But despite that, they still give you a shock when they come, always so unexpectedly. Several hours later, having wound down from the adrenalin of the small quake, I was laying in the acupuncture chair, full of needles and definitely ready for the relaxation of my weekly acupuncture treatment. Suddenly the acupuncture clinic began to shake somewhat violently. I threw my upper body into the air and yelled out an expletive! We were having yet another earthquake! Twice in one day.

Those two earthquakes were several months ago now, but I was reminded of them early this morning at 5:30 am when I was jolted awake by yet another earthquake. Fortunately none of these quakes were serious ones, but each one of them has gotten me thinking… thinking about change. It has me thinking about how change can come at any moment, when you least expect it, and often when you are not remotely prepared for it. I am certain that we have all learned this lesson in our lives, often the hard way.

It seems to me there are three types of change: 1. the type of change we consciously make and for which we are excited, 2. the changes that we do make of our own volition, but yet which are still very difficult and sometimes heart-wrenching, and then there is the third type of change: the type of change that catches you completely off-guard, takes you completely by surprise, knocks you over and has the ability to shatter you, just like an earthquake. I have learned through my own experiences that we can learn to approach all of these types of changes in the same fashion: with openness, vulnerability and a willingness to accept whatever may come our way…and not only to accept it, but to embrace it. But I did not come to this place easily.

I’ll never forget the very first major change of my “adult” life. I was 18 years old, just barely an adult, and due to a broken heart and complex emotions in which I was stagnating in my home town, I made the decision (at the encouragement of my mother) to drive the two hours north to spend the summer living at my grandparents’ adorable little beach cottage in the resort town of York Beach, Maine. I had spent all of my childhood traveling there in the summers with my family. It was, in fact, my favorite place on earth, so moving there should have been an exciting change. And in part, it was.

But after packing up the car and making my way part-way up the highway for what felt like a journey to another dimension, I suddenly found myself gripped with panic. I had never lived anywhere except my small, quaint colonial town of Wrentham, Massachusetts. I had never known any friends but those friends with whom I had gone to school for the previous twelve years. Suddenly the thought of moving to a new place, where I didn’t know a soul (other than my family), was terrifying.

I pulled over to a gas station, pumped the pay phone full of coins and called my best friend back home. I was in tears, I was gripped with fear. The tremor of change had taken me over. This friend, who had been my closest friend all throughout my high school years, was wise beyond her years at 18. She somehow knew I needed to overcome this fear and confront this change. She told me to forge on. My eyes brimming with tears, I got back in the car and continued on, steeped in my own trepidation.

Well, I am so glad that friend encouraged me to continue forth because that change turned out to be one of the most important ones I have ever made. It was that step that allowed me to see that there was life beyond the 20 mile radius that I had known all of my life. That move opened up a whole new world to me that I never could have imagined; a new job, new friends, and most importantly…a new perspective. But even more importantly, it was this move, this first spreading of my wings that would pave for the way for me to dive head first into many more significant and life-altering changes to come. It was largely this change that allowed me to put myself on a plane, by myself, to go live in Spain for a year; to subsequently move to several new cities and then furthermore to move across the country and begin a whole new life. It all started with that two-hour drive to York Beach, Maine.

But it seemed that those intentional changes, despite having to overcome fear, did little to prepare me for the unexpected, undesirable and involuntary changes that were to come my way down the road. When the first true love of my life left me in my mid-20’s, I felt like there had been a massive earthquake and the whole earth had fallen out from under my feet. It seemed that there would be no possible way to put the pieces back together again. My world had crumbled.

I did everything in my human ability to try to adapt to that change, but despite my best efforts, it was a change to which I simply could not adjust. Without realizing it, I was fighting tooth and nail to resist that change, and I suffered greatly for it. Life was trying to pull me with the current, but I refused to go. I couldn’t go. I didn’t know how, where or why. It wasn’t until an even more devastating broken heart, six years later, that I would begin to realize that there was only one way to deal with an unwanted, gut-wrenching change. If that first heartbreak had seen the earth fall out from under me, this one had done both that and had overcome me like a giant tsunami and I was drowning in my own sorrow, in utter despair. As I struggled to breathe under the weight of the crushing waves, I reached a point of complete desperation, a point where I knew I only had one option: I had to surrender.

Since reaching that point of surrender in recent years, I have begun to perfect the art of surrendering, going with the flow and trusting in the Universal forces. I have learned that though we cannot see them at the time, there are reasons why all of these changes, however painful and unexpected, come into our lives: they come to teach us powerful lessons; they come to take us with the current and deliver us to new found places we never could have before imagined; they come to transform us into the people that we are meant to be. Those changes, however unsought and however devastating, have allowed me to live through a transformation, a more powerful alchemy than I ever could have imagined. They have allowed me to blossom into a person I never could have known, living a life of emotional and spiritual richness of which I never would have dared dream. Those changes, however unwanted, were in the end…gifts.

And one of the most powerful lessons I have learned from walking through the fire of my own changes, is how to truly open myself up and surrender to any changes that may come in my future: whatever they may be; however painful, however unimaginable and earth-shattering. As I think about this morning’s earthquake, those that have already gone by and those that will come, I have realized that earthquakes provide us with a powerful lesson for life:

Dramatic change can come at any time. To cope, adapt and thrive, we must soften, surrender and go with the flow.

Read Full Post »

Liberation of the Heart

Our society largely teaches us that if we hope to find happiness, we must have a myriad of very specific things, among them: romantic love, marriage, children and a stable, high-paying career. I have none of these things, and yet I am living more fully than I have ever lived before. Only one month into 2012 and I can already see that my 37th year is gearing up to be the best of my life. And I am yet again reminded that if we are open, if we pay attention to the signs, if we listen to our instincts and trust, we can create and experience nothing short of magic in our lives.

One year ago today, shortly after being fired for the first time in my life, I reflected on the idea of the “life plan,” the idea that there are certain milestones towards which we are “supposed” to work and specific benchmarks by which we measure our success in achieving said milestones. And I am now able to see that it wasn’t until I rejected those measurements, and let go of any idea of the life I had planned, that I began to see the true magic unfold in my life. It was truly by surrendering that my life began to flow with the current.

Today I turn 37 years old and I stand in awe of the life that has manifested before me. It is not a life I ever could have dreamed of or imagined. It is, in fact, the farthest thing from any picture I ever could have painted for myself. Nor is it a life that any of my friends or family ever would have predicted for me. Yet I look back in wonder and amazement at the incredible journey, the unexpected twists and turns, the surprising detours and the life-altering and mind-blowing experiences that have delivered me to this very place in time and space.

Simultaneously, I am mesmerized by how much has happened, by how quickly the years have passed, a blip on the dashboard of universal time. And I find myself sounding like my father when I say, “I never thought I’d get to be {insert age}!” Just the other day I expressed this same thought to a friend of mine, who very wisely responded, “You’ve earned your 37 and you have to admit it is probably better then 17 or 27 for that matter.” As I pondered this, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the veritable accuracy and poignancy of that statement. I looked back on my life at those ages and this is what I realized: 17 was the year of my first broken heart; 27 was the year of my second broken heart…So what of 37?… 37 is the year of my LIBERATED HEART.

For much of the two decades between my tender 17-year old adolescent self and my now 37-year older and wiser self, I have been through the wringer of broken hearts, time and again left dripping helplessly into the floor. I have touched every range of emotion and their deep and often painful polar opposites. I have lived, breathed and tasted them. And I have drowned in them. I have looked for love and happiness in all of the wrong places, and I have fought tooth and nail for loves that left me broken and wrung out. And in the process I have seen the inner fibers of my heart carved out, leaving me with gaping holes of emptiness.

Whatever remnants of an intact heart were left after the first two broken hearts, were finally completely shattered by the third (and hopefully last!). But though I did not realize it at that time, it was that utter smashing of my heart that would actually be the key to cracking me wide open. I saw a beautiful quote the other day:

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”~ Rumi

The day that my heart was shattered into smithereens, was the day that my true healing could really begin. Since that time, I have dived more deeply into my soul than I ever dared dream possible. I have touched the source of the divine within me, the deep well of wisdom and knowing, and I have connected with the celestial forces all around me, above and beneath me. I have drunk, tasted and touched the pure light of love. I have found Bliss.

So yes, it is true: I have no romantic love. I have no marriage or children. And I don’t have a stable, high-paying career. But I lack nothing. I have found true happiness in myself, with myself and by myself.

On that note, age 36, I bid thee a loving farewell. You have been a true and trusted friend on the journey to the heart, you have been the gateway to my liberation. I will always look back on you with reverence as the year that changed everything and I will carry you with me as I walk forward into what I know will be one of the most powerful and transformational years of my life.

Hello age 37. I welcome you with open arms and a fully intact heart.

Read Full Post »