grief (n.)= keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.
Grief is a funny thing. Our society teaches us to avoid it at all costs, and yet it is part of the natural cycle of life. We will all experience it in our lives, that is if we have a pulse. And we will all experience it in different ways, different times and in varying degrees. Some of us will suffer the horrific grief from the loss of a child, others will suffer the heart-breaking grief from the loss of a love or spouse, and still others will suffer profound grief from the loss of a pet. That is just to name a few losses which we may face over a lifetime. It doesn’t matter what the source, but life pretty much guarantees it: the grief will come, and for a time it will be debilitating. And what is for certain is that there is no way to measure the level of one’s grief. Nobody can say “my grief is more intense than yours” or vice versa. There is no scale of 1-5 that allows for an objective measurement and comparison. For each person, grief is different, and it is their own. One can try to empathize with someone who is grieving, from having been through their own grief, but at the end of the day nobody else can truly put themselves in your shoes. Your grief is yours and yours alone.
Everyone has different ways of coping with their grief: some will turn to therapy and others will turn to prayer, and some to both. I fall somewhere in the middle: I turn inward to meditation. What is clear is that not all methods of coping with grief will work for all people, and it is important for each of us to find the path that works best for us. While I’ve always been hopeful about its effects, and despite various attempts, therapy has never made any meaningful impact on me. But meditation has. By going deep within, calming the inner turmoil and mind chatter, and through lots of practice, I have found ways that I can literally raise my consciousness above the turmoil, where I can look down at it from above, objectively. Of course meditation is not a magic bullet. It takes consistent practice and considerable commitment. And it too is not for everyone. But what I do know for sure is that nobody can say to you, “This is how you should be handling your grief.” Nobody has had the exact same experiences that you have had, and therefore nobody, no matter how empathetic or well-intentioned they may be, can truly know what is best for you. Nor do they have the right to tell you so. When it comes to deciding how best to handle your own grief, you are the only person who can make that decision.
There is no formula for how long it will or should take someone to get over grief. I’ve heard it said that to get over a love relationship, it should take you 1/2 of the time that you were together. According to whom?? Based on what??? That would falsely assume that all people are the same, and that everyone feels the same level of emotions, and that every relationship is the exact same level of love and intensity, which of course couldn’t be farther from the truth. We are dealing with human beings, not algebra! We are all unique. For some it could take weeks to grieve, for others years, and still for some it will become a lifelong struggle. I know that anyone who has lost a child will tell you that it is a loss you never get over; instead one has to learn how to live WITH it and incorporate it into a new reality, no matter how gut-wrenching. But I also know that you don’t have to have lost a child in order to feel that level of grief. There are other types of losses that can be just as intense for people. We’ve all heard of the phrase, “She died of a broken heart.” That phrase didn’t appear out of nowhere and it doesn’t just happen in the movies. Sadly, it can and does happen.
The most important element in the process of overcoming grief is simply time. But there is no way to predict the amount of time, and it is also the nature of grief that it can and will come in waves. One can be feeling fine for months or even years, and then suddenly out of the blue a reminder comes pounding in like a wave, and drags them into the undertow: it could be an Anniversary date, a song, a photograph, there are a million little things that could trigger a wave of grief to wash over you. And when that happens the best thing that the grieving person can do is try to “ride the wave”, knowing that it is a temporary storm in the sea of life and that this wave too will pass. The only way out is through.
How many of you have been told, “You need to get over it. It’s been too long.”? Every time I hear someone say that I want to spit, and I am reminded of how impatient and lacking empathy human beings can truly be. Of course people mean well when they say that, but by doing so they are belittling the loss that you have lived through and they are not respecting the grief process that YOU are living. The grief process is yours and yours alone. If anyone tries to tell you that, and it hurts or angers you, don’t fret. Step back and know that you are standing in your own process and be true to yourself: do what you need to do for yourself and do not be concerned with what anybody else thinks of you. At the end of the day you are your own best friend, and you know better than anyone what your own spirit needs.
I am often shocked by how few people want to deal with one’s grief, how afraid of it people tend to be. From writing in this community, I have met several other writers who are dealing with their own deep grief, and I’ve seen a reoccurring theme: they’ve all had friends and family who have pulled away from them, and in some cases permanently, because the friends or family were too uncomfortable and unequipped emotionally to deal with the other person’s grief. This is a sad statement; because of course when one is grieving that is when one needs their friends and family the most. But I have learned this same lesson in my own life, multiple times. Some people simply don’t have the emotional bandwidth, sensitivity, patience or level of empathy necessary to handle someone else’s grief. If everyone had that ability, then everyone would be a Priest, a Nun …or at the very least a grief counselor!
But most importantly it is a stark misconception to think that grief is bad and that we should in any way try to rush through it, push it aside or numb ourselves to it. Sadly so many people do this: they try to avoid the pain of a lost love by jumping into the next love; they push the devastating emotions down and try to pretend that they don’t exist, which sadly will often lead to the manifestation of disease; and others will try to drown out the pain with drugs and alcohol. None of these escape mechanisms will work. To quote Ovid,
“Suppressed grief suffocates, it rages within the breast, and is forced to multiply its strength.”
By trying to distract ourselves from grief, we are making a mistake. By trying to ignore the grief, we are not honoring the loss that we have experienced. We are also denying ourselves one of the most powerful opportunities for growth and learning that this earthly life affords us. Our darkest times are our most powerful teachers. The sage knows that to try to skip over such difficult times, is to deny himself of powerful learning and soul evolution. In the wise words of Marcel Proust,
“Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind.”
There is no doubt that grief is painful, and in many cases, devastating and debilitating. I’m sure none of you will argue with that. It can change your life forever, and often against your will. That has certainly been the case in my life. And while it may get easier with time, it can still be something that we simply have to learn how to live with, as difficult as that may be. But even in that circumstance, if we can dig in deep and instead of running away and hiding from grief, if we can muster up the strength to walk through it and experience it, and allow ourselves to ride the wave, it has the power to transform us.
“Grief drives men into habits of serious reflection, sharpens the understanding, and softens the heart.”- John Adams
This post is dedicated to my friend Judy.
Suffering takes place either in the resentments of the past, or the “what if’s” of the future, and when suffering takes place in the present it is short lived. So if you’re suffering and no one is attacking you, then come back to present time. And it is your choice to suffer.
Nothing happens against your will, unless you allow it… NOTHING!!! This includes God’s intervention, he can not help us without our permission. And it is your choice to grieve… forever.
Blessings…
When you lose someone dear to you, it is a profound loss. One can miss that person everyday. Each person has their own grieving process and nobody else can tell them what is right, wrong, or give it a time limit. It’s a completely personal process.
And as you read at the end of the essay, I have learned through my own experience that it provides an awesome power for transformation. To work through grief, and not run away from it, is an opportunity for immense growth. Our toughest times our are greatest teachers.
Dear Christopher
Respectfully, you are caught in the web of your own selective assumption and conceptual confusion.
If you are going to attempt to deconstruct an idea, in all fairness you “should” be willing to deconstruct everything – equally.
Jeanie’s post was on Grief not suffering.
While necessary for conversation, WordPress posts, philosophy, so-called spirituality, and entertainment in general:
There is no present or time.
There is no one there who chooses to suffer or not suffer.
If something happens or does not happen, it will happen or not happen, regardless of what you imagine, assume, want or believe – allowing in your context is irrelevant – it’s already happened or not, long after the “person” appears to arise at the level of the mind.
God does not intervene – She allows everything to occur equally – without condition.
IT is Omni-present, Omniscient and Omnipotent; Consciousness expresses itself equally and in all things, including the expression of grief or suffering.
There is no place where Consciousness begins or ends; it expresses itself in grief as equally as it will express itself in the joy irrelevant of your allowing.
Forever is another construct, AND, we only pretend/imagine there is a now…
And, to remain true to what I’m asking: forget anything i’ve just said – it’s not IT.
I agree Christopher. There is no one Truth. There are only metaphors of THE Truth. We each carry our own, often subconscious and sometimes conflicting, metaphors. We perceive our lives through the screens of our internal metaphors.
Dear Jeanie,
What an amazing, insightful post!
Thanks for taking the time to share the wisdom of your own experience around the grief process. In the effort of attentive exploration, you create space and gift [for others] for something much greater to be present.
As you have suggested, and in my own experience, grief is not something that can be overcome, but simply navigated in more “successful” ways – or not; honed by the wisdom of life and awareness itself. While the language of skill can be learned, I believe inner sanction – in saying “Yes” to what is, can provide the greatest source of affirmation to the deeply personal process of navigating grief with more innocence and ease.
It’s no wonder we suffer to such extreme in our grief and indeed worldly life, if we consider the skill, courage, and awareness, that is needed to simply remain present with what is. Without the role models; without practice; without the comfort; without the experience, confidence or understanding, that can only come with experiential wisdom, most are left to wallow and drift in the shadows of these overwhelming occurrences.
This only highlights more-so the value and brilliance of what you have eloquently expressed above!
Onwards
m
Thank you so much for your comment, Michael. Your words are equally eloquent and profoundly effective. I love what you say “honed by the wisdom of life and awareness itself.” I couldn’t have said it more beautifully. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your beautiful thoughts. Peace.
Thank you for this Jeannnie.
I just forwarded this to my sister-in-law.
My brother died in a traffic accident about 2 years ago.
It was the most difficult event in my life – more difficult even than losing my parents.
My sis-in-law is still going through the waves of grief, as am I.
Thank you for this.
with love and gratitude,
Connie
Jeanine, this was very inspirational. I wish I could be half as eloquent as you are to bring something like this on my blog. Keep on writing. Hugs, Marie.
Thank you so much Marie. Your worlds humble me. 🙂
I’m sorry that I was out of bounds…
Hi Christopher, you were never out of bounds. You were just expressing your opinions, as is everyone else. Each is entitled to his own. This is the beauty of blogging, you get to see all viewpoints.
Hola, Jeannie! Beautiful post! Grief, although painful, is natural and good. If we don’t grieve the loss of a loved one, then there’s something wrong with us. I also understand where Christopher is coming from about us choosing to suffer. However, grief is such a strong experience that it is almost as going beyond suffering, it is like recognizing that we miss the lost person, wish that the person is still with us, and acknowledge that it is still ok that the person has left. I have learned that grieving should be expressed in certain times of the day, like allowing myself to cry in the evening or the morning, because life does go on. Blessings.
Thanks so much for reading Noel. Very wise words.
Beautifully said. It is so true we cannot tell each other how to react or handle things, especially grief. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for reading and for sharing your thoughts!
Great post, Jeannie. I have to say I totally agree. To grieve is a major part of the healing process. For me, grieving is also one of the strongest reminders of how precious life is. Nothing can quite remind us of our impermanence the way loss does. I think it’s interesting how although grief is painful, it feels damn good to cry sometimes… as ironic as that is. For me just further evidence that all of our emotions are rooted in the nature of our humanity and exist for good reason. This is why I shy away from all the talk about “negative” and “positive” emotions and the great emphasis on “feeling good” all the time as a means to achieve a so-called happier and richer life. Bollocks! All of our emotions serve a useful purpose, and can all therefore be “positive”. Unfortunately, we just don’t always understand them properly. It sounds like you’ve come to a place where you’ve identified what grieving means for you. Good writing, and topic.
Hope all is well with you! Dara
Hi Dara,
Such very wise words you share. Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful comments. I agree with you 100% that we should not run away from the “negative” emotions, that in fact they too do have something to teach us, something of positive value. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it. : )
Let’s grab lunch soon!
Cheers,
Jeannie
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I just want you to know that this post has helped me. It is so true that no one should tell others how to grieve. Love and understanding is what needs to be said. I have linked back to your post on my blog http://got2havefaith.wordpress.com/2011/10/06/grief-lives-here/ Thank you!
Hi there, thank you so much for reading and for linking to me!! I look forward to reading your blog (which I will do once I have a free moment!) Cheers, Jeannie
Hi Jeannie. What a wonderful post! My wife of over 17 years died of cancer not quite 3 weeks ago, at home, while I held her close. I was blessed with the prilege of caring for her day and night. At 60 years of age, I have of course felt grief before in my life. But…not like the excrutiating pain I have felt in my heart, body and soul which doesn’t seem to give me any respite since she died. If anything, it’s getting worse. However, what did I expect? For 17 years I allowed myself to love her with all of my heart, body and soul. Why?…Because she was the most unbelievable human being I ever met.
Knowing that, in my deepest, darkest moments I know I must honor her. As you say, “Our toughest times are our greatest teachers”. In the years before we met, she had been to hell and back, and turned her toughest times into unbelievable beauty and love. I had never met anyone so determined to turn adversity into such a powerful source for compassion. I saw in my wife that what you say is true. “….grief does provide an awesome power for transformation”.
It seems that now, she has passed the baton over to me. With her as my shining example, I must somehow find a way to embrace the grief, and not run away from it, and trust, like she showed me, that it is an opportunity for immense growth. I must believe in life enough, as she did, to trust the process. ” Make the leap, and the net will be there”
Thank you Jeannie for creating this. All posts were food for thought. Thanks in particular to Dara Poznar and Michael Sean Symonds and of course to you Jeannie. Thank you for helping me walk through this pain while believing awesome transformation lies ahead.
Vincent, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. What a beautiful tribute you have written to your wife. She sounds like an incredible soul. I’m sure she is continuing to do amazing things on the other side. You are right that she has passed the baton to you. And as you said, you saw it transform her, therefore you know it can transform you as well. Don’t let anyone tell you what is the “right” way to grieve. Grieve in whatever way your heart and soul demands. And let it take you deep. Honor it. I am sending you so much love and light. May you be comforted by the love of all of those around you and also the strangers who share in your grief. Know that you are not alone. Hugs, Jeannie.
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