Today I am faced with perhaps the most profound opportunity for growth that this life has yet afforded me. Today is the day that the man I have loved and trusted beyond all others, will marry another woman, the woman with whom he replaced me…instantly. Am I ok with this? This is an interesting question. I have been dreading this day for years, and while I was certain the answer to that question would have been a resounding “NO!”, I am pleasantly surprised and pleased to report that the actual answer is “I do not care.”
It is true that this man misled me, that he lied to me, and that he betrayed every promise he ever made to me. It is true that this man broke me, in the most profound sense of the word. And yet as I write this I am reminded that just the other day a dear friend of mine was telling me about a poem that she had written called “Broken Open,” a poem that described how we need to be broken open, so that we can more fully experience love and life. There is so much truth in that.
I am further reminded of the Tower card in Tarot. This is a card that on the surface is of utter destruction, of ruin, of falling down. The card itself depicts the collapse of a castle tower, falling into burning flames. And while this card is often feared and dreaded, it is actually a powerful card of transformation. Although there are various interpretations, the central theme of what the Tower card actually represents is one’s life deconstructing itself, the falling away of that which doesn’t serve one. It represents the burning down to one’s core, and by that burning down to nothing but rubble, which equates to our true essence, that essence is then purified by the fire, allowing one to begin anew and rebuild one’s life, from a clean slate. And so I realize that my being broken by this man was part of a greater process, a process of removing the misaligned parts of my life. This was an experience, as painful and life-altering as it was, through which I needed to walk.
In 2008, while in the depths of my grief, I was in Sedona, Arizona, desperately seeking healing for this profound wound. I met with a healer there who said something to me that I will never forget. He told me that I had the cards of a “healer,” but that they were cards he seldom saw in someone of my young age, and rather were cards more typical of an 80-year old woman. He said to me, “Jeannie you have already lived through a lot in your life. This is for a reason. You are the wounded healer being healed. You are meant to walk through your own healing so that you may help others with theirs.” Chills came over me as he spoke those words, as nothing had ever rung so true for me. I knew I was on the path of the healer.
Now, three years later and after years of painstaking self-reflection, arduous emotional work and profound personal growth, my intuition and my higher guidance have guided me to become a writer, to share my stories from the heart in the hopes that they might help others. As I receive hundreds of emails and messages, from people of all ages, all over the world, telling me that my writing has brought them healing, I am humbled beyond any words. I am moved to my core knowing that I am on my destiny path, that I have been called to fulfill a higher purpose to help people.
And while what I went through with this man did break me to my core, while it ripped through me on a cellular level, I know that I can only owe him a debt of gratitude; for various reasons. If it were not for him, I would not have moved across the country to California, which is my true home; I would not have discovered Anusara yoga, which has changed my life; but the third reason why I owe him a debt of gratitude is the most meaningful: If his actions had not broken me to my core, I would not have lived through my “dark night of the soul,” I would not have had a powerful spiritual awakening and I would not be writing to you right now, from the seat of my destiny…
This post is dedicated to all of the beautiful souls who are suffering from broken hearts. May you embrace the pain, walk through it, and allow it to transform you.
Jeannie, your powerful words spoke directly to my heart…reminding me that there was purpose in my past pain…and that I have transformed that pain so that I may now live in the peace of the present.
Thank you for sharing your story with us, as a guideline for understanding the purpose for pain.
Hi Jeannie. There is no gain without pain. But your story is even more powerful than that. Physician heal thyself. You are destined to bring great healing and compassion to others. I sense in you a new contentment that will allow that to be achieved. You have found your purpose. No more frivolous searching, huh? 😉 Stephe
Thank you sweet Stephen. I know you understand the path. : )
Isn’t it the most amazing feeling when peace, gratitude and unconditional love take the place of pain, anger, jealousy and grief? And yet, as you say, we can’t get to that place of peace without walking through the fire, the dark night of the soul. As Yogi Bhajan said, we are spiritual beings having a human experience and it is that combination – our humanity dragging us through the storm and our spirit calling to us out of the dark – that can bring such transformation. Today I celebrate your growth with you – your path as a writer and healer – just as I celebrate my own. Today I send this man love because without him, I would not know you. Today I honor you for your courage, your truth and your shining light. With love…
Hi Alana,
I just saw this comment now from you. This was so beautifully written and heartfelt. Thank you so much for your support on this path. I am sending it right back at ya’!
Love,
Jeannie
Hi Jeanine, I am one of those broken hearts still trying to hill after 10 years. I know it is a matter of time before things to around, and after all this time, it should be around the corner.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Hi there,
I know your pain. All I can tell you is that by focusing on the positive (forcing myself) and practicing Gratitude exercises every single day, it has completely changed my life (yoga and meditation has helped immensely as well. I hope that you may find the same healing.
Peace to you,
Jeannie
It was a blessing in disguise Jeannie.
He actually did you a favor.
It’s great that you realize all the good things that have come out of this bad experience for you.
You are helping many other people.
Thanks!
Jeannie!!!!
This is surreal! In 2008 I was in similar situation. I was totally broken. And as I read your words, I know this is exactly how I feel now. Thank you for the post.
Hi Rosie, it’s incredible how many of us share the same stories. It is the human story afterall. We are truly all the same. : )
Now after reading this wonderful article.I have bookmarked it.
Thank you so much for your kind comment. I am happy that my writing resonated with you.
true… you know what they say…Wheres the great pay? Wheres the travel? Wheres the Winnebago, Goddamnit!
Jeannie, thank you for your sharing. Grief is the most soul-building of the emotions, no?
I am curious, can you post the poem “Broken Open” by your friend? I am also a poet. Here is the first poem from my first collection titled “Nature of the Heart”:
The Heart
Truly Broken
Is Healed
Only Once
And Just
As It Is
Over
And Over
Again
Blessings, Jack
Hi Jack,
Of course. Here is the link to her poetry page: http://www.lifesorealpoetry.blogspot.com/
And here is the text:
broken open
i want
to be broken open
the hardness of my heart
pried away
revealing
a softness
i want
to be broken open
fractures and fissures
revealing
a passage
i want
to be broken open
fear and resistance
shields and blockades
crumbling
to sand
revealing
an inner space
i want
to be broken open
feeling the willingness
to receive
and revealing
the sun
in my soul
[…] not sure anyone would truly know how extraordinary and powerful my transformation has been, and how grateful I am for all of the trials and tribulations that have led me to this […]